I Miss the Little Girl She Used to Be: My Tween Daughter Is Giving Me Attitude and It Is Breaking My Heart
- Nadine Smith
- Jun 16
- 6 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Well actually, Girls are made of strength, emotions, intelligence, creativity, resilience, and big bold dreams.
You ask her how her day went. She shrugs, mumbles something, and disappears into her room like you asked her to scrub the roof. You ask her to help with the dishes.She sighs so loud the neighbors pause and look around. You suggest a family movie night or maybe a nature walk.She gives you a side-eye so sharp it could slice granite.She thinks your taste is terrible. She thinks you know absolutely nothing. Reality.She might be right about one of those things.
Welcome to the tween years. Ages nine to thirteen.This is a tender, confusing, hilarious, emotional, beautiful, and completely exhausting season. A time when she is no longer little but not quite big.When she needs you close but acts like you are ruining her life by breathing too loudly. Whether you are homeschooling, part of a microschool, or just doing your best to keep the peace, if you are parenting through this stage, you already know. The attitude is real.
But here is the thing. It is not just moodiness. It is communication.And when we learn to hear what is underneath it, we can respond with care instead of control.
She Is Not Being Difficult: Understanding She Is Becoming, and It Is Messy
At this stage, her brain is developing rapidly.Her body is changing. Her emotions rise and fall in minutes.She is trying to figure out how to belong in the world without losing herself.
She is discovering her voice and testing it out, often on you.The sarcasm, the resistance, the distance from things she used to love. It may look like rebellion, but it is actually rehearsal.
She is learning how to speak up for herself.She is deciding who feels safe.She is watching how you respond to her edges to figure out what parts of her are welcome in the world.
Are We Manifesting the Very Thing We Fear?
Many of us speak fear over this stage without even realizing it. “Just wait until she is a teenager.”“These attitudes already? I am scared for what is coming.”“She used to be so sweet. I do not even recognize her now.” When we say things like this, especially in front of her, we plant a seed. A seed that says, you are already hard to love, and it is only going to get worse. That seed grows. In her and in us. Girls become what we expect of them.If we expect them to be defiant or dramatic, we shift.We begin to manage them instead of love them. We brace for their emotions instead of making space for them. And they feel it.Even if they cannot name it, they know when they are being feared instead of trusted. So they protect themselves—with more distance, more mood, more edge.What would happen if we told a different story? What if we chose to see her as becoming, not breaking? What if we said, “She is growing, and I am here for it”? Just what if...
When She Acts Out, Tune In
I have worked with girls for over twenty years.I have been a teacher, a school leader, a coach.And I have seen time and again that what we call attitude is often a message.
That sigh might be exhaustion. That eye roll could be embarrassment.That silence might be fear.That quick reply may be the only way she knows how to say,“I am overwhelmed and I do not have the words yet.” The question is not, how do I stop the attitude?The question is, how do I hold space for what she is trying to say? You will need patience and you will need a plan.
Practical Strategies for Holding Space:Here are a few ways to stay connected during the storm:
Stay calm. When she storms off or raises her voice, you stay steady.She needs your calm more than your correction.
Use “I notice”. Say, “I noticed you have been quiet lately.”Avoid, “You are always in a mood.”
Build quiet bonds. You do not always have to talk.Sit beside her. Watch a show. Let her know you are near.
Offer a reset Instead of correcting her tone, say,“Want to try that again with a little more kindness?”This allows her to practice without shame.
Teach emotional language Ask, “Are you feeling left out? Annoyed? Tired?”Help her name what she is feeling so she can learn to manage it.
Give her choices. Let her feel some control.“Would you like to do your math now or after lunch?”
Keep showing up. Even when she rolls her eyes. Even when she snaps.Say goodnight. Sit on the edge of the bed. Keep the connection open.
Go Take a Drive Alone. When the tension is high and the eye rolls are flying, get your keys, take a deep breath, and go take a long drive. You are not abandoning her. You are saving the relationship. Come back when both your nervous systems have had time to reset.
Write Her a Note Instead of Talking. Sometimes tweens do better with time to process. A simple sticky note on her door-“I love you. I am here when you are ready”—can go further than a long speech. It lowers the pressure and gives her space.
Let Her Redecorate Something. Her body and brain are changing fast. Giving her control over something like rearranging her room, picking a new comforter, or choosing her school supplies helps her feel ownership in a world that feels unpredictable.
Parent Like a Flight Attendant. Stay calm. Speak clearly. Pretend there is turbulence but you are trained for this. Offer snacks and water. Smile even when chaos erupts in row twelve. Your steady energy is the real safety net.
Tap Out. Call a friend. Text your sister. Ask your partner to take over. Sometimes the most powerful parenting move is saying, “You got this for a bit? I am going to sit in the car and listen to music from the early 2000s until you feel better again.” code for I am sitting in the car and taking cover.
A Note for the Mamas (Papas too)
While she is becoming, you are holding a lot. You are absorbing her emotions. You are navigating your own. You are showing up with strength, patience, and love on days when you feel completely emptied out.
So this part is for you. Make space for your own feelings. You are allowed to feel frustrated. You are allowed to feel unsure. You are allowed to miss the little girl who used to climb into your lap without hesitation. You need restoration too. Not just sleep. Not just silence.
Nourishment. Kindness. Connection.Take the walk. Say no to things. Call the friend who sees you without judgment.Drink your tea while it is still warm.Put your phone down and look out the window. Let yourself feel held for once. Because she does not just need your structure. She needs your softness.And softness cannot grow where there is no care. You are not failing her by needing a break. You are modeling how to take one. You are not being selfish by saying, “I need a moment.”You are teaching her how to honor her own limits. You are not alone in this season. And you are doing better than you think.
She Is Becoming
Say it with me and remember this. She is becoming. And if we stay close, if we listen more than we correct, if we trust her process, she will come through this season knowing who she is and remember that someone believed in her, even when she could not find the words to ask for help. The goal is not to control her or fix every mood.The goal is to support her. To stay near, even when she pulls away.You want to come through these years with a strong relationship, one built on trust, care, and presence. Because she will need you later.In high school. In heartbreak. In moments when life gets loud and confusing.And when that time comes, you want her to know deep in her bones that you were always her safe place.
And remember this too.She is not all attitude and silence.She is still silly. Still brilliant. Still full of light.Sometimes you catch a glimpse and it reminds you—she is still in there.Let that be enough for today. She is becoming. And so are you.Stay close. Keep showing up.You are both going to be just fine.
SHAMELESS PLUG: And while she is becoming, you need support too.
At The Gathering Place, we hold space for girls in these messy, beautiful middle years.We understand the eye rolls and the silences.We understand the moms trying their best not to take it personally.We are here for both of you. If you are looking for a safe, affirming, soulful place where your daughter can grow into herself with love and structure, consider visiting us.
Our microschool and homeschool learning community was made for this exact moment in her life.
You can learn more or book a visit here:
Text or call (786) 301-2444
You are doing better than you think. And you do not have to do it alone.
With heart,
Nadine Adjoa Smith
Founder, The Gathering Place
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